Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
