That's intense
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
only you would photoshop your dick
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
