The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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