but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My vagina is officially offended.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
