Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
