i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
