I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
