I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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