Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
