my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
