She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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