How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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