"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
