Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
