i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
