I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
