I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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