quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
