I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
