Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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