You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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