Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
