No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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