My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
