birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
