As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize