When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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