Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
