Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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