On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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