As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize