Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Randomize
