I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
