the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
