So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
