I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
