Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
