I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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