Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
