Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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