I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
