I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Never joke about your clitoris.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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