and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
