It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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