On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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