Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
