Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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