the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
