vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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