mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
