best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
