I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
