He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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