I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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