if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i love accidental penises.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
