ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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