I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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