1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Randomize
