i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
