No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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