I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's no shave November. This is our time.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
