Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
