i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
