The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
