I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
