Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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