They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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